Commercial Success or From the Heart?

I have recently been working on my third novel. It was coming along fine but I had a sudden realization that I was writing my book for the market, for commercial purposes, rather than from the heart. I was no longer telling the story I had set out to tell. And, worse, I was not being true to my characters. It felt....icky. Yes, as a writer that is the best I can do. Icky.

Yet here is the conundrum and the simple truth. If you don't write for the market, if you don't write a commercially viable book you are more than likely going to end up the 98% of writers who don't get signed with an agent, who don't get published with a traditional publisher. I find the entire situation quite depressing. Publishing has always been competitive, I understand that. But it feels like it has become this instagram-tiktok kind of phenomena where it is just a lot of yelling in the background. The algorithm (the publishers) chooses what gets the most views not what has the most meaning.

I know I am not Tolstoy. I am not even close to my favorite authors-Amy Tan and Isabel Allende. But I also don't want to write smut. I don't want to write "mass appeal" garbage. I want to write from the heart. I want to be true to me. True to my characters. True to their story. I am reminded once again of Jo March in Little Women when she is so upset that Professor Baer is not impressed with her popular themed publication. He asks her something like, is this what you want to write? But writing is real, it is about real life, it comes from the heart. Maybe I am still a little girl wanting to live up to Professor Baer's expectations. Or maybe he just taught me a fundamental truth that I have refused to set aside.

In the end, however, I fear that staying true to myself and writing from the heart is what is going to land me in the realm of self-publishing. And I suppose it is time to make a decision. How badly do I want that Big Five contract? Enough to sacrifice my voice? My vision? My story? My heart? Or do I content myself with self publishing and remain true to myself and to my heart? Honestly, I haven't quite decided.

What would you choose? What have you chosen? Why? I really, truly, want to know.